A Long and Slow Day

What a day, what a day. I absolutely hate Sundays with a passion, well, I did once I got to boot camp, and I still do now. They are so damn slow and boring. I didnt do much of anything todaya except for spend like 3 or 4 hours on the computer, eat a couple times, and the rest of the time, I sat around chillin at the smoking pit talking to a couple people. Freedom definitly has its disadvantages, as does having no money to do anything. This morning after chow, my room mate and I spent a good 2 hours sharing our philosophies about whats going on in the Middle East and whether or not peace is possible there, religion and God, human evolution, and our wacky crazy theories on life itself. In a way, we think very much alike. Its hard to find people who enjoy engaging in serious intellectual discussions just for the fun of it. He has some pretty wild and interesting views on the world and life in general, and I can clearly see where he is coming from with them. Funny thing is, his theories actually make perfect sense if you can understand them correctly. I think that people like us are blessed with the gift of advanced logic and an extremely creative mind. We both agree that what we theorize has yet to do us any good and help us out, but we believe that in the long-run it will. I totally respect him for hsi views and way of thinking even though i dont totally agree with some of his theories and opinions, but thats perfectly fine. Its a shame he leaves for Hawaii on tuesday. It would be awsome if he were my room mate for the next 3 months. Im pretty sure we could both come up with some pretty interesting theories on a bunch of stuff. Oh well. Maybe we'll meet again in the fleet with more theories to share. Who knows, so all in all, today was alright. It had its high points. Fortunately there arent any lows. Oh and I got to talk to mom, but naturally she's worried. I guess she doesnt realize that I have everything under control money-wise. Everything she mentioned about money I had it already accounted for. In fact, I have my personal budget figured out for the next 2 pay periods with the July 15th budget already started. I figured, I can afford to set aside $200 per paycheck just to save and not touch it and still have just over $200 for spending money to last 2 weeks, and whatever is left over can be deposited into savings and if by chance I absolutely HAVE to dip into savings, I can always put back what I took out from the next pay check. Now THATS responsible personal financial management right there lol! Speaking of which, I have a PFM class tomorrow so I better get to sleep. Its already 2334. Good night and sleep tight. Tomorrow starts a great new week!

Thinking is bad...sometimes

Well, what can I say. Second time I've started a journal (web). Maybe its just me but i have yet to find a way to vent how im feeling. Most people have a best friend or close relative they can talk to and/or relate experiences with, but i have neither, well, theres always Carrie and mom and a few others, but I cant tell them exactly what im feeling about some things. I have a strong feeling that years from now, im going to have a mental break-down because I have no choice but to bottle all of my feelings and emotions up. Whats so bad is that I try to let them go, but something always happens or someone always says something to bring them back. Its like a never ending cycle. Maybe i do need to a Chaplain or shrink or something. Something's wrong with me, mentally, but for the past 7 years, ive failed to figure it out on my own. Something is dictating the way i act, the decisions I make on certain issues, and the way I think (as well as the way I view the world). Anyways, about my day:

Today started off alright. Woke up at 0745 and headed over to the galley with my room mate to eat breakfast. Afterwards we decided to meet up at the Oasis/NEX to play pool around 1230. I dont quite remember what I did in the time between breakfast and 1230 aside from ironing a set of utilities for monday. Oden (room mate) and I met up and decided to go to chow before we played pool. He was in PT gear so he had to take his food out of the galley, so I ate alone. Its kinda depressing being new and only having one friend. Oh well! After chow I went to the Oasis but he wasnt there so I hopped on a computer for an hour then watched the ending of "Munich". It was a rather bland movie not worth watching again. After Munich, I played 2 hrs of pool with Oden. He kicked my ass everytime except twice. After that, I got on the computer again...wait, no! I went back to the barracks to grab my book and cigars, which I ended up not reading and smoking. Went to chow, the Nex, then headed for the beach. I sat on the stairs for a good hour or so just looking out into the Atlantic, watching a family play in the waves, and listening to the sound of the water. I dont know why ive been becoming depressed so much this past couple days. Ive thought alot about the baby, Carrie, our marriage, and my ultimate future, and questions keep popping up about everything except the baby. Is it because I miss Carrie? Is it because im so unsure of myself? I really dont know. I wish there were honest answers to my questions. I feel so complete, yet I feel so lonely, out of place, and insignificant. Its to the point where everything about me disqusts me because deep down, I dont feel as if I deserve to be here. Why am I here anyways? What is my purpose in life? What is my true destiny? Up until this point, I was unsure about myself and my purpose, but at least my future was pretty much laid out and I knew what I had to do to attain what I wanted. Right now, EVERYTHING is uncertain and its beginning to scare me. I question everything and everyone, literally. I feel myself slowly falling apart on the inside, yet something is holding me together on the outside. What is it and why? Why do I have to be here and experience what I am now and have in the past? I didnt ask to be put here. Why me? I just wish someone would tell me, why me?